Chick Mask is angry...and he knows where you live!

RIT Easter egg color and moon kit - 1950s/60s

Ah, Easter; the traditional time to traumatise li'l children by dressing up as scary-ass Easter Bunnies and letting them play with psychotic face masks. Why is he so angry? And where does the moon fit into Easter egg celebrations?*

Either way, Chick Mask is clearly not happy about it.

*Ah, thanks to the magic of Google, it appears that these Easter eggs were destined for a moon visit. Thanks, that makes so much more sense now.

Slang term of the month: ‘L7’

Those of you of a certain age will no doubt see the term ‘L7’ and have it immediately conjure up the phrase ‘riot grrl’ and these lovely ladies:

L7 - famed for telling punters to 'eat uterus' and dropping
their trousers on the TV show 'The Word'. Legends.

Jeez, I so hated the term ‘riot grrl’; it just meant that any girl dressed remotely alternative and wearing Doc Martens was automatically labelled as such. BAH!

Anyway, it may interest you to know what exactly the term ‘L7’ refers to. It’s when you put your thumb and index finger of both hands together to make a square, to use as an insult against somebody. To call somebody an ‘L7’ is telling them that they’re a square (i.e. deeply and unashamedly unfashionable).

Check out Bettie here; she's way too cool to be hanging out
with Jimmy Olsen and is no doubt dreaming about Jimmy
Dean instead. Beat it you L7, you're no match for Bettie!

So, this month, whenever somebody totally uncool starts trying to hang out with you, give ‘em the L7.

And ignore what Huey Lewis says.

This Valentine's message has been brought to you by the NRA

OK, so maybe you don't go for all that soppy roses 'moon in June' stuff, but you still want to tell your special gal (or guy) that you really, really like them. What's the best way to get your message across?

'"I aim" to please you!' vintage Valentine's card.
Because nothing says 'I love you' more than a child holding a gun.

Ahhh, there you go, problem solved. Although for some reason the gun appears to be bigger than li'l Johnny's head. Where did he get a gun that big? Also, that gun must be pretty heavy...and he looks like he's got some Jeremy Beadle thing happening with his hand.
I'm unsure of the year of this card, but judging by the Enid Blyton-esque illustration style I would assume 1930s/40s.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day guys and gals and IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME BACK I'LL GET A REAL GUN AND HOLD IT TO YOUR HEAD UNTIL YOU DO!!

Nah, only kidding...or am I?*

* I am, 'cos for one I'm in the UK and everybody knows we don't know how to get hold of guns over here; unless you're in the army, or know dodgy people.

Guns don't kill teeth, people kill teeth

The next time you forget to floss, you're practically Ted Bundy. Murderer.

Crest toothpaste, 1972
Because you don't want the guilt of being a tooth murderer.

Those 6-9 teeth you lost during your lifetime? Yeah, you could have prevented those untimely passings if only you'd brushed properly, or ate the right foods, or just saw your dentist you goddamn slaughterer of pearly whites.
Yeah, I hope all those poor innocent molars whose lives were tragically wasted are weighing heavily on your mind. You should go to the chair. Now go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

Right out of a real Italian kitchen...Tom Savini's kitchen

The year is 1955 and you're a young housewife. You've been flat out for most of the day, doing chores, getting groceries and yet your darling husband and bratty kids will expect a home-cooked meal on the table bang on 6 o'clock. What's a girl to do?

Franco-American Spaghetti Sauce with Mushrooms, 1955.
Because you want your dinner to pay homage to 'Dawn of the Dead'.

Luckily for you, this banquet of a meal you see before you only takes 3 minutes to cook. Forget presentation skills, just plonk some spaghetti on a plate then pile on the sauce. After all, it's full of twelve (count'em, twelve) tempting ingredients like, errrm, onions (mmmmmmmm), garlic (mmmmmmmmmmmmmm) and...spices (double mmmmmmmmmmmmmm). Oh and tomatoes. Oh and mushrooms, hand-picked mushrooms. Yeah, none of that machine harvested stuff in my canned pasta sauce, thankyouverymuch.

And, if you didn't know (or were severely braindead), apparently you'd think this plate of goop (sorry, magnificent plate of goop) came right out of a real Italian kitchen. If that kitchen belongs to Tom Savini, then I'd probably believe you.

Are you a devout carnivore? Then don't worry, because Franco-American also do a spaghetti sauce with meat...lots of meat! They don't actually tell you what that meat is but don't worry, there's lots of it.

Buon Appetito!

Who loves you and who do you love?

I hate modern day gameshows. There, I said it. Gone are the days when people went on there for the fun of it and if they were lucky, they might win a few prizes, or some money. And boy were they crappy prizes.

Clock-radio? Check.

Crystal decanter set? Check

Blankety-Blank chequebook and pen? Check.

Gameshows in the past were the TV equivalent of Pringles. They were light-hearted 30 minute shows that you didn't have to invest any real time or even interest in. They were just there, to dip in and out of while you cooked dinner, or chatted on the phone. Nowadays, there are so many heart-stopping, heart-breaking, cliff-hanger moments that I don't know whether I'm watching the latest HBO drama or an episode of Deal or No Deal?, which, incidentally, I HATE because it's so nauseating. More for Noel Edmonds than anything else.

So, lets go back and see what we're missing. Here's one hour of funny gameshow answers, back when shows actually asked you questions beyond 'which number box do you want to open?' And if the answers aren't funny enough, then at least you can laugh at the fashions. For instance, check out Malibu Barbie here (she appears at the end of the video):

The living embodiment of Malibu Barbie

She may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but at least she knows how to wield a curling iron.

Also, your mission is to get the phrase "At my cat's end" into general conversation. You can thank me later.

Slang term of the month: 'have one on the city'

I love old slang. Watching some black and white 50's B-movie on a Sunday afternoon is one of my ideal pastimes, 'cos they're always full of old sayings and words which have fallen into disuse. Some of them, well, you can see why they aren't used any more; let's face it, if somebody called you flutter bum*, you'll most likely give them a slap. But there are some words and phrases which deserve a rebirth, and that's where I come in.

Each month I'll post an old, disused slang term, with the hopes that it'll be used at some point in conversation during that month. Granted, it may mean that you'll end up talking like a tommy gun carrying gangster, but that's all part of the fun.

So, this month**, I present to you the following phrase:

Have one on the city! - original photo courtesy of Tack-O-Rama

Have one on the city

The next time somebody asks you for a drink, tell them to 'have one on the city' and then give them a glass of water. You'll probably start getting invited out less but hey, at least you'll sound cool!

* In case you're wondering, a flutter bum is allegedly a good looking guy. Hmmm, don't think I'll be using that one anytime soon.

** Yes, yes, I'm well aware that it's the end of the month. Just make out I'm giving you a head start for February, OK?

Paper towels - they're not Mafia hit-men

The job of the copywriter is a hard one. If you're selling fancy cars or big houses or you're 'Employee of the Month' at McMann and Tate , I'm sure the superlatives come thick and fast.

I'm sure the job is much harder when you have to sell this.

Gala paper towels, 1965

For one thing, it doesn't look like they're too sure that it is the prettiest paper towel ever made. Well, at least it's the newest, that's something! I can just picture the meeting they had:

- Hmmm, how can we really demonstrate that this is some of the prettiest paper towels around?
- Ooooh, I dunno....how about we shove a rose in it?

It's not too clear where they were going with the disclaimer 'Gala has a soft and silent strength...' Did they get it confused with a Mafia hit-man? Oh no, wait a minute, they can't have, as this particular paper towel comes by [those qualities] honestly. Honestly? So, don't worry, it didn't jump a guy in the back alley for that soft and silent strength. Phew, that's a relief. Don't want a dishonest paper towel in my house, not like that Bounty stuff.

They clearly couldn't come up with a decent tag-line either. 'Gala - a really wonderful new towel' isn't exactly laying on the praise with a trowel. Makes you wonder what the tag-lines were that they didn't go with:

Gala - the reasonably adequate new towel 

Gala - it's an alright new towel  

Gala - the unremarkable new towel

Also, I might paint my kitchen so-right yellow. I think it'll be a winner.

Wait, cigarettes are bad for you? But I thought they were full of vitamins and stuff!

So, it's approaching the end of January. Chances are that, if you'd made any New Year's Resolutions, that they'll be a long-gone, distant memory by now.

January 1st - "Start going to the gym 5 times a week? I'm on it!"
January 2nd - "Ah, screw this, it's cold outside"

If one of your resolutions was to give up smoking, then maybe you should try the 'anti-nicotine diet'.

Dunhill De-Nicotea cigarette holder, 1950

It's recommended by doctors (I assume the kind of doctors who operate in back streets and will gladly forge prescriptions for a price) Wow, I bet you can feel your energy and health come back with every puff. And look, every 11 days (why 11 days, who did this study?) you take in almost a whiskey glassful of nicotine and tar. That's some scientific measurements there.

"OK, we just need to take some blood for testing."
 "How much, nurse?"
"Oh, about a whiskey glassful".

See, you don't have to give up your favourite cigarettes. Sure, feel free to give up your dislikeable ones, but not your favourites.

Alternatively, you could just give up smoking. Or continue smoking. Your call.